This post was written as part of ‘Your Story Sunday“.
A story written by a different guest on my blog each Sunday.
I believe everyone can write from the heart, everyone has a story to tell.
I have given a prompt for this series the word was “Birthdays”
July is a month of Birthday’s in my life.
However the words you are about to read are not mine.
They are words that have been given to me in confidence by a reader who goes by the name of Abo.
With these words I now feel like a curator.
They are as precious to me as they are to Abo who has written them.
I feel honoured to be trusted with these inner thoughts and I hold them close to my heart also.
I know many will be able to relate to the inner turmoil a Birthday can bring
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock……. another birthday swings by.
Some people think they are subtle
How old? oh… then comes the curious silence. The cogs whirring. So that means…
More wondering looks, a glimmer (or more) of sympathy in the eyes
Career driven, that must be it… She works so hard… maybe she’s just cold hearted… Does she not realise all she will miss out on?
Then come the excuses they feel they need to make
ah, it must be a lifestyle choice… Children aren’t for everyone you know… Sure think of the wonderful child free holidays…
then there’s the people (acquaintances!) who think it’s their right to interfere
why don’t you have children? you’d want to be hurrying up, not getting any younger! there’ll be risks as you get older
or the people who wish their gifts away
you can have mine any day… oh for a holiday without them…
I’m sure they each have their own burdens to carry. Or perhaps they are lucky and so forget that many keep their secrets close to their hearts.
My dear friends, this cold hearted, career driven, unmotherly soul isn’t ignoring your beautiful growing bumps, or your wonderful miracles with their innocent smiles and magical chuckles. For those who wonder at the lack of fuss for their little darlings, please know I love that you are blessed with this miracle of life. I wish nothing but happiness for you and your fabulous bundles of joy.
It’s not personal. It’s just too hard.
It’s just too hard to sit on girlie nights out, surrounded by your gorgeous bumps and smiling baby photos. It’s just too hard to pretend to be that career driven one who’s chosen a different path. It’s just too hard to swallow the lump in my throat and bury the tears that welled when you announce that your second is on the way.
What I wouldn’t give to tuck my babes into bed. What I wouldn’t give to get up in the middle of the night to comfort them and hold them tight. What I wouldn’t give to have little hands to hold in mine.
I always dreamt of a large family. Now, at 38, with two losses, years of being poked and prodded by doctors, taking more medications and supplements than I care to remember, and with so many disappointments, my hopes fade. Yes, there are options, adoption, egg donation, surrogacy…. I think I’ll just accept my lot.
People wonder why I don’t like to celebrate my birthday. Every day, every month, every year. One step further from my dream.
Although the dream fades, I believe in staying positive. Chin up. Keep smiling. Be thankful. Thankful for family and friends to love. Thankful for amazing nieces and nephews who bring such delight with their tales and excitement. Life is good and what will be will be.
Thank you Abo for sharing these thoughts!
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