Blog like no one is reading.

I was feeling anxious today. I was not sure why.
I felt worried or bad about something, I just did not know what.

I think in the past I might have stayed at home and dwelled. I would have allowed that anxiety wave to engulf me and then my day would have been a constant battle swimming against the current.

Instead of thinking about how worried I was feeling I went and sat on the floor with the boys. I held them close and allowed their beautiful spirits to wash over me. We even made it out the door to meet friends at the playground.

I could hardly believe I even managed to get my shit together to bake 2 dozen zucchinni and apple muffins and pull together an edible dinner for all of us. Salmon, brown rice and veggies for the boys, and chick pea and cauliflower curry for us. Doesn’t it feel good when a meal is success. Children eat it with no complaints. You feel like you have scored a goal in the soccer world cup.

The scales must remain balanced in this life. Being able to recognise a problem early and changing direction as soon as possible will turn that wave back into a ripple.

I have worked hard on finding and maintaining balance in my life as a working mum of two kids.
I have become great at looking after myself and putting my needs before my wants. Sleep and rest before creative pursuits.

Every time I have taken a break from my blog I have become more disconnected with this online space I have created for myself. It makes me question is it what I really want or indeed need?
Then I realise I simply enjoy it.

I recently attended a talk by a HBF person a self help motivator type. She said if we do nice things every day we will have nice feelings this in turn makes our emotions and feelings more positive and helps us to be the best person we all have the potential to be. It’s simple really. However it is something most of us forget to do. Do something nice everyday , something that makes you feel good. It can be anything. For me it can be taking photographs, drawing a picture with my 4 year old. Reading a book with my two year old, learning to crochet, learning to meditate, writing, anything just words.

With that said. When it comes to blogging I feel like I cant keep up. I can’t be one of those bloggers who run a very successful Facebook page. It is such an effort for me. I am not a “talker”. I am not a huge sharer of information. I don’t want to regurgitate stuff that people have seen in their Facebook feed 3 times already.

They say if you want readers you need to promote yourself on social media. There are a million and one lists of how to be a successful blogger. I feel like with most things these days there are a million other people trying to make it to the top. Its not me. I just am.

So why does it bother me then?

I am human. I compare myself to others success. I do it at work. I make myself feel inferior to others I do it when reading others peoples blogs. Its a natural human trait I believe. We cannot help it. Flawed as we are. We tend to always think we can do better. Perhaps this is what has allowed us to evolve from the caves. We are constantly striving to be better, we reach for the stars, we design tools to help us in our lives. Modern life is complicated but we are still animals. We still need to survive in this jungle. Survival of the fittest.

I rebel against this idea of following others. Following a prescribed method to win. I find that boring. I never read instructions. It might take me longer but I like to figure things out myself.

So here I am this weird shy girl, woman. Writing her weird heart out online. I know there are a few lovely souls reading and how cool is that !  Social media is not my thing. I am a slow mover a slow grower a wanderer. I am very grateful to have your eyes and mind contemplate my thoughts. I will remain here capturing my snippets and spirits. As in life, Facebook and the like will come in waves of popularity. It will never be the cog in the wheel, just simply the spindle.

It is your own individuality that will drive the cog forward.

This post has been inspired by Agent mystery case whom has challenged willing bloggers to blog like no one is reading. These words while not earth shattering have been what has been on my mind for a little while now. Every once and a while I begin to allow that seed of self doubt flourish.

I have been told recently I need to work on forgiveness

We all say stupid things, make stupid mistakes. We could all look back on our lives and beat ourselves up for the idiot that we were. What is the point. Those mistakes have helped shape you and your individuality. When you think back to a time you are not proud of give yourself a loving hug instead. Tell your younger self it’s ok.

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