I felt so tired today that I needed to sit on the shower floor and allow the raindrops to pour down my back. Then I noticed the black mould growing on the grout between the tiles. I had to close my eyes and ignore yet another job that needed to be done.
A pool of water formed between my legs and my tummy as I sat with my legs hunched up. I watched the drops of warm water hop on the surface until the tension was broken and the water sunk to the depths of the pool. I imagined that I was in a cave surrounded by high walls, a big blue sky above. I floated on my back in my tiny pool watching the sky. Regenerating, returning once more to that capable mother, partner, friend, employee.
The balance of our home is so fine that even one day of not doing chores can result in going from a well oiled machine to a banjaxed punctured broken down wreck.
I was on leave from work this week to take care of my children while they are on school holidays. But I was struck down by a case of extreme tiredness and a need to stay in my pyjamas watching TV all day. It’s not possible when you have kids though is it ?
Instead we just keep going on our hamster wheel.
That said I still managed to make a date cake and a cake in the shape of a Yellow Tail Kingfish for a retiring colleague and paint Easter pictures with my boys and catch up with friends and take the dog to the park and make bunny rabbits from odd socks that looked like they might have been infected by myxomatosis. I dare you to write a list of all that you have accomplished in one week. Maybe you might feel proud of yourself? Because you should.
It’s easy to write about the good stuff. But almost everybody I know has problems that they must deal with in their lives and so writing about the not so good stuff is just as important? As part of a family you must stay strong for your partner and for your children and perform your best at your job. Sometimes the balls begin to fall and you must stop the train and take a rest.
However at times I crave solitude. I crave quiet and peace. I can’t retreat into an actual cave so I read books and I write. They are the caves for me, a place where I can grow and regenerate.
When my mother was a little girl she had a book about ships that she has fond childhood memories of reading. I now have similar memories about the same book. Times when I gazed wondrously at luxury cruise ships from the 1960s in the black and white photographs printed on thick glossy paper. Hidden in the middle of the book I would find small squares of coloured foil that once covered my mothers Easter eggs, the creases smoothed neatly by her small eight year old fingers. Untold treasures from an era gone by.
That Easter Egg smell oh how divine. You know the one? From a freshly cracked Easter Egg first thing in the morning. Your taste buds explode and beg and plead for just a tiny morsel on the tip of your tongue. A yearning to return to that place they know so well when as a child you would peel off that shiny paper and crack open your sweet treat delivered by the magical loving Easter Bunny with his red beard and twinkling eyes.
Are there times when you feel unsociable ? When all you want to do is stay at home in safe surrounds? I have just finished reading the book “Wild” I could not put it down. I was walking alongside Cheryl Strayed from the safety of my bed as she pushed herself through the pain hiking on the Pacific Crest Trail. It was as if all the people she met along her journey were sent there to meet her at just the right moment to help her go from “lost to found” and awaken a will to survive.
As we meander our way in this live we meet people to teach us something about ourselves.
Like today I had to really push myself to go out with my family, even though all I wanted to do was hide in my cave.
We ventured into Freo and happened to bump into my friend and work colleague. I have never just bumped into her anywhere but at work. She even remarked how she knew we would bump into each other today. I heard her call my name and she made my heart feel better. She had no idea of course because, we don’t do we? We have no idea the effect we have on another individual so we must always be kind.
Thats life, its beautiful and cruel and crazy and amazing and its the people we gather along the way that make it oh so fine.
Finding solace in other human beings can be the best medicine or sometimes its watching drops in the shower dance upon your knees as you hunch under the warm water, healing those same knees that hold you up all day.