I fell hard.
I fell fast.
I fell deep.
I sat at the bottom looking down, not up. I questioned my whole world. Why was I in it. What the fuck I was doing ?
I had to be so strong to carry those little boys back across the world. Back to their Daddy. I had to keep a tight grip on their little hands and our bags as we waded through the airport security and crowds of people going to who knows where. I had to suck up my tears so that I could see clearly the next step we needed to take to get there.
All I wanted to do was hide in a corner and cry.
That’s the thing about motherhood it never stops. Children need to be kept safe. It was the hardest journey back to Australia I have made yet. It was utterly exhausting and emotional. I burst into tears when I landed in Perth and saw Daddy D waiting for us. He would never know how hard I found the whole ordeal. I couldn’t speak for three days after. The jet lag and emotions were that crippling.
I met an Irish woman on the plane. She sat next to us. She was flying from Dublin to Bangalore. She didn’t say much to us until her journey was nearing its end. She said she had been doing the same journey for the last thirty years. Her husband was Indian, he died two years ago, she also had two boys. One of her boys had moved back to Ireland and the other, well the world was his oyster. She said that she knew my pain so very well. She was at the point in her life where she could not take the goodbyes anymore and that she had almost decided to move back home to be with her sisters. I have two sisters…. She described the goodbyes as a trauma. Its true, its a pain that cuts so deep that large scars are left behind never to fully heal. You leave a little piece of you behind every time.
She hugged me when I began to cry and said your still young, you will get through this, but was she my future ?
Im such an emotional person. I cant help it. I try and try not to be. However its hardwired within me and I have been this way since birth. So beating myself up about it is futile.
My most recent haircut was by a beautiful Scottish woman. She has been in Perth 16 years. Her kids are now teenagers and she described them as true aussie’s. She regularly wanders down the road of possibility about returning back to Scotland to be with her sister. She assured me she also becomes extremely low when she returns back to her life in Perth and questions everything about the new life she has created. Would she just sell her very successful business and leave it all behind to return back to her past ? But then she said life just takes over and you get on with it.
The happiest people are not those whom have everything. They are those whom feel like they belong. Those whom have a community around them. Where people take care of each other. We are a social species. We need each other in order to life a fulfilled life. We need connections, we need each others positive energies to fuel us when we are down.
Yet the world is full of misplaced people. People wondering where they really should be. People whom have never left their little village or people who wander the seven wonders of this beautiful world seeking answers.
Its a crystal ball we need.
Alas it will never to be so.
So we wander and wonder and years pass by until one day something clicks and we decide to leave or to stay. Or your roots and their roots become so deeply buried beneath the red dirt that it is impossible to move and you must make peace with the land that now has a hold on your DNA.